First Confusionist Martyr (Well, Almost)

While we're officially on MySpace, I had to come back here to tell you the story Giovanni Baresi. Check it out.

We've Migrated To MySpace!

Sadly, the new website was lost following the spontaneous combustion of the Holy Laptop. As a temporary measure, the Confusionists can now be found on MySpace. We're hoping that MySpace's features and popularity will help us to build a more connected community.

Cults For Kids

The Official Cults For Kids Logo TM
Originally uploaded by Cyber-Pope.

As a "dangerous" cult we're acutely aware of the fact that the Confusionists might seem frightening to children or other people of a similarly nervous disposition.

So we've decided its time to reach and strengthen our ties with younger, more gullible, young people. The Confusionists have therefore decided to launch "Cults for Kids" so now there's no excuse for all the family coming out to meet your favourite cult.

And these events aren't just for kids - there's lots of fun for mum and dad too!

So what are you waiting for? Come along and enjoy the following themed tents in your town's local remote wasteland:

The Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby (SRRB) Roadshow

A side-splittingly funny cabaret show from the world's most popular Creator, the Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby himself! Accompanying him on stage will be the SRRB dancers and John Elton, the almost adequate Elton John impersonator.

Dunk the heretic!

That's right! Now you too can drown non-believers! But make sure you sign up to Confusionism at the door before going along to this one folks!

Brainwashing Madness!

So you think you're an independent thinker, eh? Put yourself to the test in this fourteen hour hypnotic chanting extraganza. A top prize of £100 will go to the person able to resist our mind control techniques. Entry cost: £90

How The Internet Will Probably Kill You: A Children's Workshop

This kids-only seminar will teach children about the evils of the internet and how to avoid the Pope when online.

Cake-eating Contest

Eat cakes until you puke, pure and simple. Last kid standing wins a delicous chocolate swiss roll.

Face-Painting!

Make sure you bring an apron for this one guys and gals, as our environmentally friendly face-paint is a 100% organic mixture of chicken-blood and goat faeces.

The Confusionists would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the Catholic clergy who kindly offered to supervise the kids-only events but members of other religions are excluded from this event for reasons pertaining to inferiority.

Should you want to come back here at any stage, you can do just that by coming to our alternate URL, "theconfusionists.org" .

If Confusionism floats your boat stick your email address in the box at the side of the page.

Miracle Caught On Camera

Holy Harry: genuinely amazed.

To prove we weren't lying about the blessed Miracle of the Soundgarden CD, Harry has been kind enough to provide photographic evidence.

Three key things in this picture indicate that Harry has experienced a miracle:

1. The halo-like light above Harry's head.

2. The look of awe on Harry's face.

3. The CD in Harry's hand.

That's that settled then.

Free Soundgarden CDs for everyone!

Free Soundgarden CDs for everyone!
Originally uploaded by Cyber-Pope.

We've had our second miracle people, which puts us two miracles ahead of Lourdes in this year's miracle rankings. This time the lucky recipient was Harry Carvell from Nuneaton in the UK. Here's the email we received:

From: Harry Carvell

Subject: I Proclaim A Cyber-Miracle!

Dear His Holiness The Cyber-Pope,

Great things have happened! This morning, the 9th September 2005, I was sent a CD from Amazon.co.uk that not only did I not pay for, I did not even ask for!

The only reasonable explanation for this is a cyber-miracle - the Great Atheist God Bunkum must have been converted into binary form, then made his way into the Internet to bless me with this musical wonder!

The CD in question is Superunknown by Soundgarden. It was previously unknown to me that our great God Bunkum is a Soundgarden fan, but I believe that, in sending me this unexpected blessing, He must be a great fan. Happiness and rejoice all round then!

In future I shall take the 9th September off work, in recognition of Soundgarden-Day. In return for this miraculous act, I shall press Confusionism unto all of my friends, and they too shalt know the glory of Confusionism and Soundgarden!

Many Thanks,
Cyber-Follower-Who-Believes-That-Bunkum-Himself-Has-Shone-Upon-Him-And-So-Should-Definitely-Have-A-Pretty-High-Rank-In-This-Whole-System-Sort-Of-Thing,

Harry Carvell

PS I'm not kidding, I did actually get a CD sent to my house that I didn't order or pay for. In fact, according to the Amazon website, the CD wasn't even sent at all, and they have no record of anyone ordering it to my house. Obviously, there's only one reasonable explanation for it - that an Atheist flower-God somehow accessed the Internet and sent it to me.

Guidance notes for Confusionists

It's clear Harry has been blessed, but this miracle can be interpreted by Confusionists in two different ways. Either Bunkum was just giving Harry a CD becasue he thought he might have needed a bit of Soundgarden in his life (the "garden" reference in the band's name is a clear hint that it was indeed Bunkum who sent the CD, as Bunkum takes the form of a divine if foul-mouthed flower).

Or, alternatively, Bunkum may have been giving a coded order for all Confusionists to overthrow the capitalist world order and create a Confusionist paradise on Earth. I'm inclined to go with this interpretation, but then I would, wouldn't I?

Either way, September 9th is now officially a special day in the Confusionist calendar: Free Soundgarden Stuff Day. On this day you should let your employer/university/school know that you are entitled to a day off work (or the following Monday if it falls on a weekend). You will also be entitled to take whatever Soundgarden products you want to from shops, but for that day only.

If a shopkeeper disagrees with you, simply shouting "Nazi bastards!" in front of other customers and ask them to stop persecuting you because of your faith. They'll be so embarrassed that you shouldn't have any problems in pilfering Soundgarden products and whatever it is you fancy.

To join Confusionism and to avail of Free Soundgarden Stuff Day, simply pop your email address in the little box at the side of the page.

I'm Sorry...

Apologies for the lack of posting lately but I've been working on another pet project.

Noing Noing is “A Directory Of A-Noing Things” and has been established as a more cynical and hopefully funnier alternative to the world’s most popular blog (according to Technorati) Boing Boing.

However, we are different and don’t intend to be a parody of Boing Boing, which we actually like.
What we will be providing is information which backs up our thesis that the world is full of irritants, whether it’s annoying people, politics, technology or companies.

Contributions from the adoring public will be more than welcome.
http://www.noingnoing.net/

The activities of the Confusionist Church will resume shortly.

Technorati: Noing Noing

Not So Intelligent Design: The Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby Theory

The True Creator?
Originally uploaded by Cyber-Pope.

The "debate" in the US on the Earth's origins has been narrowly focused so far, with only two competing theories joining the fray.

The controversy kicked off when Christian wackos who believe in "Intelligent Design", received the public support of George W. Bush, an eminent theologian and evolutionary scientist from Crawford, Texas.

On the other side, you have the "All Available Evidence Suggests We're Definitely Right" theory, which has been promoted by "scientists" who use "evidence" to make "rational" arguments.

But, fortunately, both theories are wrong, as our groundbreaking new theory suggests the Earth was in fact created by none other than an omnipresent Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby.

Regular visitors might notice that this conflicts with our previous supposition that the world was created by our atheistic god, Bunkum, but as a religion we reserve the right to hypocrisy and to make things up as we go along.

So what evidence is there for the Racist Sadist Retarded Baby Theory (SRRBT)? Well, for Confusionists, the evidence is everywhere.

Think about it. Advocates of "Intelligent Design" say the world is the product of outstanding genius. But then why is the world such an awful place in which to spend your meagre existence? Similarly, we think a world so crappy couldn't possibly have come about as the result of a scientific accident.

So the logical conclusion to draw from all of this is that the Creator took the form of a Sadistic and Racist Retarded Baby. Who else could have created a world containing:

jellyfish

the Republican Party (and all other fascists/terrorists)

ripped condoms

the Kalashnikov rifle

hangovers

infanticide

job interviewers who ask you to tell them about how you managed a difficult situation

PMT

piss running down your leg just as you begin to walk out of the toilet

hunger

life coaches

slavery

impotence

Guantanamo Bay

celibacy

the World Bank/IMF/G8

application forms

Big Brother contestants

Robert Mugabe

sand between your toes

AIDS

organised religion (Confusionism excluded of course)

bed bugs

supermarket trolleys

disappointing Christmas TV specials

techie types on online help forums who tell you that "all you have to do" is reformulate the coding of your AZ23 Synthetic Cryptology system to solve your problem

SPAM

food poisoning

nasal hair

queues

rats

dead ancestors who ask you to avenge their death

the British rail network

Fox News

elephantiasis

ExxonMobil/climate change

genocide

radio DJs

growing old

George W. Bush's speechwriter

evil cats

snobbery

banks

genital warts

Orange Order marches

bestiality

the acting school responsible for Keanu Reeves

Crazy Frog

bad breath

phobias

Butlin's holiday camps

mosquitoes

Richard Littlejohn (UK racist, hack, and TV presenter - a pudgy version of Bill O'Reilly)

televangelists

mullets

McDonald's

Tony Blair's smile

tsunamis

heterosexual people who refer to their boyfriend/girlfirend as their "partner"

poverty

Cliff Richard/Donny Osmond

acne

nuclear energy

women who complain about men leaving the toilet seat up but don't know why it's a problem

bike thieves

vacuous teenage girls who say "whateeeeever"

breast cancer

gravity (I'd like just a little bit less)

the Middle East conflict

Dido

leprosy

Rwanda

haggis

mosquitoes

wiggaz

beards (male and female)

the fashion industry

torture

necrophilia

gonnorhea

diarrhoea

paedophilia

North Korea

Chris Rea (okay, so he's only on the list because he rhymed with the last few)

add anything else you feel is appropriate evidence in the comments box

At this point, you've probably been sitting down with a notepad, scrutinising our theory for holes. You won't find any. However, you may also have noticed that the "Sadist, Rascist and Retarded" parts holds true - but you're still puzzled about where the "Baby" part of our theory's title came from.

The Baby Part

The world was clearly designed for babies.

Think about it. In difficult times, people often say they look to God. But have you ever found yourself thinking about how great it would be to be a baby again? Of course you have. So in times of crisis, we look to God and to babies.

The life of a baby is a luxurious one of sleeping, eating and shitting whenever they feel like it. Like Egyptian pharaohs, the modern baby gets pushed around in a little throne by adult parents, or "slaves", who would do "just about anything" for their little babies.

And are these adult slaves forced to submit to the will of babies? Of course not. They're genetically programmed to do just that.

"But genetically programmed to be slaves by who?", I hear you ask. By the Racist Sadist Retarded Baby of course.

Implications of SRRBT

We do appreciate our theory leaves humanity in a tricky situation.

The adult world has two choices: either continue as we have in the past or rise up to shake off the shackles imposed on us by our baby superiors.

The Confusionists believe it's better to play it safe and avoid confrontation with such a dominant force. Through their parental slaves, the babies run just about everything on the planet and resistance would be futile. And then of course they're so damn cute we couldn't really hurt them, bless their cotton socks*.

*Just for the record, we'd like to point out that we're not the first religion to acknowledge baby domination. The Christians beat us to it and thankfully the Bible contains records of their attempts to overthrow babies in Babylon. If you look at Psalms 137 8:9, you will see that God was asked to bless those who would smash Babylonian babies against rocks in an act of mass infanticide. He didn't. Why? Because he wouldn't kill one of his own of course.

If you're a supporter of the Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby Theory and would like to become a Confusionist, simply pop your email address in the subscription box at the side of the page.

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