Cyber-Pope

Bowen: A 21st Century Hero (pic from BBC)

Hollywood can shove their "Lost" TV programme somewhere dark and smelly, because the UK has the real deal - in the form of 32-year-old wonderman Dean Bowen.

The incomplete version of the story can be found here on the BBC News website, but in another Cyber-Pope exclusive we're dishing out the real story to Confusionists for free. There are two sides to this story, Dean Bowen's, and - more importantly - ours.

Dean Bowen's Version of Events

So what happened exactly? Well, Dean Bowen from North Yorkshire managed to get himself lost in 8ft high gorse bushes for two days. Oh, and he had absolutely no idea how he ended up there.

Heading out to paint the town red, Dean says he had played on fruit machines at a caravan park on Sunday before managing, somehow, to get stuck in the bushes. It just, eh, happened.

He told BBC News, "At first it was funny, but before I knew it I was stuck. It was a nightmare. I would not advise anyone to go in there. " Thanks for the tip Dean.

The BBC say it is "unclear" how Mr Bowen spent the next two nights but he did say he was unable to move from the spot and was numb from the waist down.

At this point you might be thinking that Dean Bowen is something of a fool, but please don't rush to judge the man before you hear the rest of the story.

As the hours passed, it began to dawn on Dean that there was every chance he'd starve to death if he stayed put, so, like all heroes, he hatched an ingenius plan.

We're not quite sure what he was doing for two (whole) days, but it seems likely that a man of Dean Bowen's calibre was drawing out designs for a vehicle made out of gorse bushes so he could make his escape, A-Team style.

But it wasn't long before Bowen's brainstorming led him to devise an even better idea. He decided to call out for help when he saw a woman come out of a caravan in the early morning.

He said: "I was shouting for ages but she went away. Then she came out again and said 'Is there someone out here asking for help?'

"I said 'Yes, can you ring the RAF?', because I knew the coastguard wouldn't be able to get through the bushes."

Pure genius Dean. In a situation where lesser men might have died whilst waiting for the incompetent coastguards to arrive, Dean Bowen stayed calm and focused on the job at hand.

A helicopter was scrambled and local hero Dean Bowen was airlifted to hospital where he was treated for mild hypothermia before being allowed home.

Bowen's bravery is best explained by the great man himself,

"Whichever way I turned it seemed to be the wrong one that day. It hurt, but didn't hurt that much."

Which begs the question, "So why did you stay in the bushes Dean?". To find out the answer, you'll have to tune into the Cyber-Pope Internet Broadcasting Portal tomorrow at the same time.

If you want to join either Confusionism (and become a Cyber-Priest or Cyber-Nun in the process), or if just want to join the Dean Bowen Fan Club, simply pop your email address in the subscribe box at the side of the page.