Cyber-Pope

Toe possession: no laughing matter
Originally uploaded by Cyber-Pope

As a cult-leader, I've encountered a myriad of religous scenarios in my time, but few touched me more than the deeply tragic story of Alan's toe:

Dear His Holiness the Cyber-Pope,

Today, something awful happened. I stubbed my toe. Now it hurts. A lot. I've been to all the leading doctors and none of them could heal me. Now I turn to Confusionism as my last hope for healing. As I pray to the god Bunkum, I also turn to you in my quest to make that bruise go away.

Confusionally Yours,

Alan

Cyber-Pope Reply

Dear Alan

You "think" you have stubbed your toe. And the "leading doctors" couldn't help you. Why? Because those damn quacks were attempting to use so-called "modern medicine" to heal this "bruised toe" of your's.

But fear not, you've come to the right place and help is at hand.

As every Confusionist knows, evil spirits are all around us, constantly urging us to turn to the dark side. Personally, there's few places I can go without a demonic voice popping up, urging me to carry out gruesome crimes.

They usually say things along the lines of, "Kill the postman and burn all the dogs". Ridiculous requests such as these are (usually) easy to decline, but there are moments were the spirit world can be a bit more forceful when trying to claim your soul.

You see, Alan, the dark side doesn't always try to enter your soul via telepathy - sometimes they just jump right in. At this point I think you know where I'm going with this Alan. Your toe is possessed.

Sadly, the toe is the most vulnerable part of the human body to demonic possession, but the good news is that the evil spirit will be confined to your toe.

You have three options available to you:

1) You can learn to live with your possessed toe. However, this can be expensive as a possessed toe tends to wriggle around a lot, breaking holes in valuable socks and in some cases they have even caused ingrown toenails. You may also hear demonic wailing emanating from your toe which can be inconvenient, particularly when shopping or enjoying an intimate moment with a partner.

2) You can stick your toe under the grill, burn it to a crisp, and hack it off with a rusty pen-knife. A tough but reliable option.

3) You can have an exorcism performed on your toe. I have no idea how this is done, but I saw a movie about this once and the priests who performed the excorcism ended up, eh, dead, so I'll be damned if I'm going to have anything to do with it.

I'm delighted I was able to help you Alan and wish you and your toe all the best in the future.

Blessings etc.,

Cyber-Pope

If you'd like to become a Confusionist or if you suspect you are possessed, simply pop your email address in to the side of the page.

Back to main page.

Alternatively, you might like to visit our top referrers at: Kontraband and I Am Bored.

Technorati tags: Possession Toe Foot Demon God /six feet under/