Heaven: The Final Frontier #1

Explaining the afterlife to my followers is one of my most difficult tasks as a cult-leader.

When I'm out and about, healing lepers and giving cakes to the poor and needy, people often approach me and ask, "Papa, what is life like on the other side?".

Resisting the temptation to point across the street and say "two cars, a parking meter and a lady carrying her shopping home," I usually hit them with a big stick instead.

Why? Because, as any dedicated Confusionist knows, we allow most of our followers to pick out the afterlife of their choice.

However, we do help some of our followers in making their decision, especially if they're evil, average or saintly. Here's what we offer our more dull members who can't make up their minds.

The Average Joe Standard Package

Requirements

In order to qualify you must meet at least four of the following critieria. Are you:

• Tom Hanks
• a Confusionist, but not the participating type
• a morally bland person
• a fan of Oprah or similarly pathetic programmes (if you have ever been an audience member you'll have to bookmark us and come back to see what the evild-doer package entails)
  
  
• the type of pathetic individual who believes that shaking your head whilst watching a sad programme about children dying in Africa makes you a better person, even though you've never gotten up off your fat ass to do anything for charity other than one shitty fun run you did five years ago, which you only did because your equally average friends decided it would be a laugh
• someone who simply exists to consume a variety of meaningless tat
• a regular McDonald's customer or employee (senior executives qualify for the evil-doer package)

In return for your boring existence and mediocre contribution to our religion, we provide:

• eternal life confined to the waiting lounge of an airport with only a senile German accountant to keep you company
• free internet access, provided you only view "family blogs"
• a free CD of "Pan Pipes Classics - The Dido Collection"
• bad sex with either David Hasselhoff, the senile German accountant, or Queen Elizabeth II*
• an endless supply of lettuce

* both David Hasselhof and Queen Elizabeth II will have to die before this service comes into force.

Bookmark this page to see other packages coming soon - The Cyber-Saint Deluxe and the Evil-doer Express!

Any questions you might have about Confusionism are answered in our FUQ. and you can join by just popping your email address in the subscribe box at the side of the page.

Top Referrers: Kontraband and I Am Bored

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