Jesus Christ Vs Dean Bowen: Battle Of The Messiahs
Dean Bowen is the Messiah. Or at least that's the view of a team of Confusionist experts who held an emergency meeting to discuss the theological implications of His adventures in the gorse bushes.
The last post explained the Dean Bowen story in more detail, but to cut a reasonably short story even shorter, He got stuck in a prickly prison of gorse bushes for two days before being rescued by the RAF.
To non-Confusionists, Dean Bowen is just a man who got into a tricky situation, but to us He has the makings of a Messiah.
To prove our point we've pitted him, halo-to-halo, against one of the most infuential Messiahs to in history, Jesus Christ. Only one Messiah will emerge victorious in this 10-round battle royale.
Jesus Christ Vs Dean Bowen
Round 1: Thorn Experience
When being crucified, Jesus was forced by the Romans to wear a crown of thorns on his head.
When being crucified, Jesus was forced by the Romans to wear a crown of thorns on his head.
Vs
Dean Bowen went one step further and immersed himself in a forest of 10ft high thorny bushes. He was discovered by Kathrine Donohue, 20, who is six months pregnant. She said: "When the RAF people in the helicopter pulled him out he had brambles stuck to him. It was like he was wrapped in barbed wire.
Score: Jesus 1 - Dean Bowen 7
Dean Bowen went one step further and immersed himself in a forest of 10ft high thorny bushes. He was discovered by Kathrine Donohue, 20, who is six months pregnant. She said: "When the RAF people in the helicopter pulled him out he had brambles stuck to him. It was like he was wrapped in barbed wire.
Score: Jesus 1 - Dean Bowen 7
Round 2: Rising Powers
Jesus rose from the dead.
Jesus rose from the dead.
VS
When the RAF winched Dean Bowen out, he rose from the bushes, where he might have died has he not been rescued.
Score: Jesus 5 - Bowen 2
Score: Jesus 5 - Bowen 2
Round 3: Praying and Fasting
Jesus spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting.
Jesus spent 40 days in the desert praying and fasting.
Vs
Bowen spent over 48 hours in the gorse bushes praying for help and fasting.
Scores: Christ 6 - 3 Bowen
Scores: Christ 6 - 3 Bowen
Round 4: Arrival on Earth
Jesus was conceived following the Immaculate Conception, when God put Jesus in the Virgin Mary's tummy.
Vs
We haven't clarified how Dean Bowen was conceived, but RAF Flight Sergeant Colin Yorke, who whinched Dean Bowen out of the bushes, said: 'We've no idea how he got there, he was right in the middle of the gorse bushes. It was like he'd been dropped by a spaceship". The Confusionists have yet to confirm that Dean Bowen existed before he hit the headlines. Was Bowen planted on Earth by a supernatural power?
Scores: Jesus 5 - 9 Bowen
Round 5: Life Expectancy
We haven't clarified how Dean Bowen was conceived, but RAF Flight Sergeant Colin Yorke, who whinched Dean Bowen out of the bushes, said: 'We've no idea how he got there, he was right in the middle of the gorse bushes. It was like he'd been dropped by a spaceship". The Confusionists have yet to confirm that Dean Bowen existed before he hit the headlines. Was Bowen planted on Earth by a supernatural power?
Scores: Jesus 5 - 9 Bowen
Round 5: Life Expectancy
Jesus was 33-years-old when crucified (eternal life excluded).
Vs
Dean Bowen is 32 but could surpass Jesus' score in future provided he manages to steer clear of alcohol and gorse bushes.
Scores: Christ 33 - 32 Bowen
Round 6: Communication
The Bible contains no record of Jesus using telepathy
Vs
Dean Bowen told the Daily Telegraph: "I was shouting like mad, 'If you think you're imagining me shouting in here, you're not.' " Bowen's comments clearly illustrate has the power to enter our minds using highly advanced telepathic techniques.
Score: Christ 0 - 7 Bowen
Score: Christ 0 - 7 Bowen
Round 7: Miscellaneous Miracles
The Bible says Jesus could walk on water and he displayed his skills on the Sea of Galilee.
Vs
The Daily Telegraph says the RAF found Mr Bowen crouched on a gorse branch several feet from the ground. We gave a homeless biologist a sandwich and in return he confirmed that a gorse bush branch couldn't possibly support the weight of a fully-grown man. Dean Bowen is fully grown. Was Bowen levitating or are does he possess a superhuman sense of balance?
Score: Christ 5 - 4 Bowen
Score: Christ 5 - 4 Bowen
Round 8: Invisibility
The Bible contains no reference to Jesus' powers, though he is rumoured to be invisible and all around us, even to this day.
Vs
According to the Daily Telegraph, "Coastguards, the police, fire and ambulance services were called in but could not find him [Dean Bowen] as they struggled through the razor-sharp undergrowth."
According to the Daily Telegraph, "Coastguards, the police, fire and ambulance services were called in but could not find him [Dean Bowen] as they struggled through the razor-sharp undergrowth."
Scores: Christ 8 - 6 Bowen
Round 9: Jungle Survival Skills
Jesus has no proven record in surviving different natural environments and the nearest he is likely to have been to a jungle was an olive orchard.
Vs
Dean Bowen has proven himself in various terrains, one of which was an "Action Man jungle". In His own words, reported by the Daily Telegraph: "Before I knew it, it turned into the worst kind of brambles you could imagine," he said. "There was a fence and a bit of water and I thought I would go and see if the BMX track was still there. Before I knew it, I was in an Action Man jungle."
Scores: Jesus 0 - 5 Bowen
Round 10: Fertility
Round 10: Fertility
Despite the best efforts of The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown* to convince us otherwise, it seems unlikely that Jesus sired an heir with the help of Mary Magdelen. He dies childless.
Vs
Dean Bowen is the proud father of one child.
*Note that Dan Brown's name is suspicously similar to Dean Bowen's. Was Dan Brown sent by Satan to: (a) spread malicious lies about Jesus; or (b) to try and pass himself off as Dean Bowen, the true Messiah. Yeah, we thought (b) too.
Score: Christ 0 - 1 Bowen
Totals: Jesus Christ 63 - 86 Dean Bowen
Official Result
Catholics: Quick To Jump
On The Confusionist Bandwagon
The scoring system used here was agreed upon by the Cyber-Pope and a team of Christian scholars who wish to remain anonymous.
Catholics: Quick To Jump
On The Confusionist Bandwagon
The scoring system used here was agreed upon by the Cyber-Pope and a team of Christian scholars who wish to remain anonymous.
If you want to have your soul saved by Dean Bowen, simply pop your email address into the subscribe box at the side of the page (if you do, we will also allow you to instantly become a Cyber-Priest or Cyber-Nun in the Confusionist Church!).
posted by Papa Pope @ 7:10 PM
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