Not So Intelligent Design: The Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby Theory
The "debate" in the US on the Earth's origins has been narrowly focused so far, with only two competing theories joining the fray.
The controversy kicked off when Christian wackos who believe in "Intelligent Design", received the public support of George W. Bush, an eminent theologian and evolutionary scientist from Crawford, Texas.
On the other side, you have the "All Available Evidence Suggests We're Definitely Right" theory, which has been promoted by "scientists" who use "evidence" to make "rational" arguments.
But, fortunately, both theories are wrong, as our groundbreaking new theory suggests the Earth was in fact created by none other than an omnipresent Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby.
Regular visitors might notice that this conflicts with our previous supposition that the world was created by our atheistic god, Bunkum, but as a religion we reserve the right to hypocrisy and to make things up as we go along.
So what evidence is there for the Racist Sadist Retarded Baby Theory (SRRBT)? Well, for Confusionists, the evidence is everywhere.
Think about it. Advocates of "Intelligent Design" say the world is the product of outstanding genius. But then why is the world such an awful place in which to spend your meagre existence? Similarly, we think a world so crappy couldn't possibly have come about as the result of a scientific accident.
So the logical conclusion to draw from all of this is that the Creator took the form of a Sadistic and Racist Retarded Baby. Who else could have created a world containing:
At this point, you've probably been sitting down with a notepad, scrutinising our theory for holes. You won't find any. However, you may also have noticed that the "Sadist, Rascist and Retarded" parts holds true - but you're still puzzled about where the "Baby" part of our theory's title came from.
The Baby Part
The world was clearly designed for babies.
Think about it. In difficult times, people often say they look to God. But have you ever found yourself thinking about how great it would be to be a baby again? Of course you have. So in times of crisis, we look to God and to babies.
The life of a baby is a luxurious one of sleeping, eating and shitting whenever they feel like it. Like Egyptian pharaohs, the modern baby gets pushed around in a little throne by adult parents, or "slaves", who would do "just about anything" for their little babies.
And are these adult slaves forced to submit to the will of babies? Of course not. They're genetically programmed to do just that.
"But genetically programmed to be slaves by who?", I hear you ask. By the Racist Sadist Retarded Baby of course.
Implications of SRRBT
We do appreciate our theory leaves humanity in a tricky situation.
The adult world has two choices: either continue as we have in the past or rise up to shake off the shackles imposed on us by our baby superiors.
The Confusionists believe it's better to play it safe and avoid confrontation with such a dominant force. Through their parental slaves, the babies run just about everything on the planet and resistance would be futile. And then of course they're so damn cute we couldn't really hurt them, bless their cotton socks*.
*Just for the record, we'd like to point out that we're not the first religion to acknowledge baby domination. The Christians beat us to it and thankfully the Bible contains records of their attempts to overthrow babies in Babylon. If you look at Psalms 137 8:9, you will see that God was asked to bless those who would smash Babylonian babies against rocks in an act of mass infanticide. He didn't. Why? Because he wouldn't kill one of his own of course.
If you're a supporter of the Sadistic Racist Retarded Baby Theory and would like to become a Confusionist, simply pop your email address in the subscription box at the side of the page.
Alternatively, you might like to visit our top referrers at: Kontraband, Goyk, I Am Bored.
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posted by Papa Pope @ 4:26 PM
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